I’m a little lost today, folks. I’m sad and tired and outraged and sad and despairing and sad. This is probably going to be a little rambling. Stay with me.

Tom Petty plays in the background as I write this. It’s not something I would normally write about but I need to get out of my own head and maybe one of you also needs to get out of your head and this helps.

Las Vegas is terrible – by the way, the Twitter handle for the Vegas police is @LVMPD if you want to show them a little love- almost incomprehensibly sad except this has played out so many times in our country and people offer outrage and thoughts and prayers and support and nothing changes. So instead of outrage this time, I feel like a rock is in my chest. Because I have no expectations that 59 is the number that forces us to have a real discussion about both mental health and our access to guns.

Then came the news that Tom Petty had died. But then he hadn’t. And then he did. And this one hurt. I went for a walk in the park yesterday to feel connected to nature. To see something pretty. I listened to a podcast that made me laugh because I needed to get out of my own head.

I came back home to Facebook outrage that there were too many posts lamenting Petty’s passing and not enough about Vegas and HOW DARE WE. That made me tired, too.

I finished a book I was reading. It was a compelling read but also quite sad. What Made Maddy Run, about mental health and college athletes and I was sad about that.

This week is melancholy, as one of my friends said so accurately. I said on Facebook that I feel like we need a big group hug. A lot of people agree with me.

I don’t know what we do next. I’ve felt so- I can’t even find the right word for it- the last several days. It’s too much. I feel like there are so many things that need to be fought on so many fronts, yet nothing seems to change and then something terrible happens and it adds to it. I have a friend with a terminal illness and I feel helpless that anything I can do for her can’t solve the biggest problem.

I could say all the things- be nicer to each other. Let’s make sure love wins. But that sounds hollow to me right now. At the same time, it’s the only thing I have. I’m going to a soccer match tonight, and I’m going to look around at the venue and hope no one opens fire on us. I’m going to be patient if security is heightened getting into the match. I’m going to look for ways out and have a game plan if something happens. But I’m also going to cheer on my team and enjoy my time with my friends. And I’m going to try to be more patient and kinder and slower to judge. I’m going to choose my outrage on the things that really matter. I’m going to fight the good fight, and I’m going to read books that aren’t sad and stressful. I’m going to find ways to laugh. I’m going to hug tighter and hug longer and check off the things on my bucket list. It’s all I know to do.

If you’re feeling like I am, I hope you find something to help you, too. Be in this space of melancholy, but find your way out. And if choosing joy and happiness and light seems insurmountable for you, please talk to a professional to help you. We’re in a bad place right now. I hope we get better.